For Valentine's Day: Treat yourself (and maybe even your sweetheart) to some Not Exactly Love Poems
The Californer/10337638

SAN MATEO, Calif. - Californer -- LOOKING FOR SOME FUNNY POEMS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

To set the tone for these poems, here is a poem about unrequited love:

I) "A BRIEF LAMENT ABOUT UNREQUITED LOVE"
Copyright 2002, Robert Barrows

"I thought it was going be a ménage à trois.
It turned out to be a ménage à moi."

II) NEXT, here is a poem about Love in an Age of Artificial Intelligence.

"ROBOT LOVE"
Copyright 2010, Robert Barrows

I didn't know she was a robot until I kissed her.
You couldn't tell by the tongue action,
but she clearly didn't have a heartbeat and she
didn't even have to breathe.

It felt a little bit like necrophilia,
but that didn't mean she was dead…
far from it.

This robot was built for pleasure,
but that didn't mean she was easy, too.
This one could play hard to get if she wanted to,
and even if she never got tired,
she was programmed to stop after the passion died down.
Did I really fall in love with a robot?

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III) AND NOW, for a poem that could be the Love Poem to end All Love Poems, here is a poem about the secret to having a long, happy relationship, The secret is...

"Don't Say Nuthin'"
Copyright 2018 Robert Barrows

Don't say nuthin' about her driving
Don't say nuthin' about her cooking
Don't say nuthin' about her lovin'
And you'll live a long, happy life

Don't say nuthin' about his drinkin'
Don't say nuthin' about his thinkin'
Don't say nuthin' about his stinkin'
And you'll live a long, happy life.

Don't say nuthin' about his attitude
Don't say nuthin' about his lack of gratitude
Don't say nuthin' about his stupidity
And you'll live a long, happy life

Don't say nuthin' about his work
Don't say nuthin' about his cleaning
Don't say nuthin' about his self-delusions
And you'll live a long, happy life

Don't say nuthin' about her clothes
Don't say nuthin' about her weight
Don't say nuthin' about her hair
And you'll live a long, happy life

You can see some more of Barrows' poetry in three books called "Crazy Robert's Poems and Potential Song Lyrics," "Crazy Robert's More Great Poems and Potential Song Lyrics," and "Crazy Robert's Third Great Book of Poems and Potential Song Lyrics" that you can download for a dollar each on Amazon.